solving for the unknown variables -Kate

We left for Scotland the morning of May 25th.  A trip that I think we started planning for in December- if you cane believe that  I think all 3 of us agreed - or at least Janny and I agreed-  that up until the last couple of hours... the Scotland trip had seemed like something of an otherworldly destination- like heaven- somewhere we're going to go eventually... but not any time soon and it only has minimal impact on life here and now.  When it finally did come time to leave- the actual act of departing was more the matter of the moment- the packing, the driving to the airport, the feeding and watering of a life that was going to be held in stasis during our absence.  As I sit on the airplane that swings us into Philadelphia, suddenly I realize that I will be living in a different country for a month- and these tasks of getting onto an airplane, taxi-ing around the runway- take-off, landing etc etc- are not going to culminate in me returning home and sleeping in my own bed at the end of the day.  I know it sounds silly- but I was so lost in the process of leaving for Scotland- I completely forgot that I was actually going there.

Even saying goodbye to the exquisite Chris felt vaguely unreal- so much so that I'm more than a little upset at the detachment I'm sure I displayed throughout the parting- I spent the first couple of hours at DIA wishing I could rewind and take another stab at it.  I was still physically in Denver, but I have no idea where I spent the morning

Fran, who drove Ben to the airport, was our final contact with home as she stood in line with us, dotingly watching us check our bags and receive our tickets.  As she turned and walked away, leaving the three of us to face airport security, the reality of our journey began to dawn on me.  I turned to the others and remarked

"Does anyone else feel kind of panicky about being abandoned by our adult supervision?"

Seriously, it felt like the first day of kindergarten... which makes absolutely no sense.  I've travelled plenty before. Normally alone- I'm very much in the habit of calling my own shots and I'm comfortable with landing in a foreign country (where I don't even speak the language) and procuring maps, lodgings and usually a dinner date within the first two hours.  However, the helplessness I felt as Fran departed was a curious and utterly unfamiliar sensation to me.  And realistically, as I sit here, on a woefully delayed flight to Phillidelphia, I think perhaps that my discomfort stems from the complete lack of control which makes this trip so different from any other I've taken.  The whole thing- scheduling, lodging, food, activities- has been planned by someone else.   Good old Ben has completely taken the wheel on this venture- and ...well gosh... how much do I really KNOW about the guy?  I mean sure I have been acquainted with Ben for years but- holy crap- I just placed a month of my life in his celtic-ringed little fingers and said:  "Whatever man, I'm in."

Would this be a bad time for me to point out that the diabetic Ben admitted to me and Janny, before we could even finish our team-inaugural cup of coffee, that he forgot to pack his glucometer?

Furthermore- the fact is... I'm not good at sharing.  I spend a great deal of time either alone or profoundly emotionally insulated from the people I encounter from day to day- and my one-person-universe is comfortable, I like it there.  I frequently know what to expect from me, and if I'm behaving badly, so what?  No one else has to see it, deal with it, endure it.  I've decorated all the walls of my internal living room with all my favorite pictures of me, and I only look in a mirror when I want to.  I have become very good at living alone- I'm good at entertaining and then kicking people out when I've had my fill of interaction, or when I feel they've had their fill of me.  Sitting at DIA, staring at Ben and Janny as we sucked down our coffee and devoured our over-priced airport breakfast ($3.50 for a pretzel? Seriously?)  I realized that I was sitting across from two unknown variables- a pair of wild-cards who I couldn't govern or relegate,  I might as call them X and Y... and I was always terrible at algebra.

The next thing I knew, the 3 of us were walking toward the inter-concourse train, and out of sheer nerves- I started singing...

"Some times I feel I've got to BUM BUM run away... I've got to BUM BUM get away from the pain you drive into the heart of me... "

And out of nowhere, Ben joined in:

"... the love we share, seems to go nowhere,"

Then Janny picked up the chorus

"TAINTED LOVE.... TAINTED LOVE... don't touch me PLEASE I cannot stand the way you TEASE!  I love you though you hurt me so, now it's time I pack my THINGS AND GO!"